Recovery
by Beaker Bait
Summary: The last thing she was aware of was John gently squeezing her hand telling to go to sleep that everything was going to be ok. Trusting John completely Elizabeth stopped trying to fight it and allowed herself to drift off. Sequel to ‘Anything?’.
1. Chapter 1

Title: Recovery

Summary: The last thing she was aware of was John gently squeezing her hand telling to go to sleep that everything was going to be ok. Trusting John completely Elizabeth stopped trying to fight it and allowed herself to drift off. (Sequel to 'Anything?').

Pairing: Shep/Weir

Spoilers: Nothing big or specific.

Disclaimer: Stargate Atlantis is not mine. Only the story line and any made up characters that may appear in the story belong to me.

A/N: Had seriously planed to start posting this sooner, but unfortunately I was blindsided by Real Life. But now things have settled a bit and I'm able to work on this story more.

--

John drew a deep, calming breath and slowly, very slowly, walked towards Elizabeth's bedside. The bruises speckling her body had flourished into deep purples and greens, and had become even more pronounced on the ashen canvas of her skin. Perched on the chair beside her, John reached out a steady hand and gently brushed a few stray locks of hair away from her face.

"Dr. Biro says that the surgery went fine, there shouldn't be any complications. She should wake up within the next few hours." Carson moved to stand next to John. He scrutinized the haggard lines and the hollows that sagged beneath John's eyes, "you should get some sleep. I'll call you if her condition changes."

John didn't respond, at least not perceptibly. After a moment of silence, he muttered, "Give me a few minutes with her?"

"Sure." Carson briefly squeezed John's shoulder then disappeared into his office.

Finally, secure in the knowledge of her physical stability, John allowed himself to bear the full weight of his own sorrow; guilt endeavored to weave slowly into the flux as well. Tears began their gentle descent down his cheeks as he ran the backs of his fingers delicately over her forehead.

He brushed his lips against her temple, indifferent to the probability of onlookers. Passing his hand over her head one last time, he reluctantly turned from her and made his way towards his quarters. He had a feeling that Elizabeth would not awaken within the next few hours as Carson had speculated.

--

A few hours later John gave up on trying to actually sleep and made his way back to the infirmary. Entering the infirmary he froze when he didn't see Elizabeth right away. Before panic had a chance to settle in one of the nurses spotting him frozen in the doorway quickly informed him that Elizabeth had been moved into one of the private rooms to give her some privacy. Thanking the nurse John headed for Elizabeth's room.

Entering the room he wasn't surprised to see Carson sitting by Elizabeth's bed. He turned at hearing John's approach.

John held a hand up halting any questions. "I…rested."

"That's something I guess." Carson turned back to watching Elizabeth.

Careful not to jar her unexpectedly John settled on the edge of Elizabeth's bed. He rested a hand next to hers as close as he could with out actually touching her. He knew that there was no reason he couldn't hold her hand, but something prevented John from moving his hand that final distance to hold Elizabeth's.

"How're you doing?" Carson didn't miss the way John made sure he didn't touch Elizabeth and frowned slightly.

"I'm good." John didn't take his eyes off of Elizabeth.

"You sure about that?" Carson sat up straighter folding his arms.

John opened his mouth to protest, but paused taking time to really think about how he was doing. "Maybe not so good." He was silent for quite some time, staring blankly at his hand resting millimeters away from Elizabeth's. "It was my fault." The whispered remark escaped before he had time to realize he'd voiced his thought. Feeling a new wave of guilt and sorrow wash through him John pulled his hand away from Elizabeth's.

Standing up Carson moved closer to John resting a comforting hand on his shoulder. "You have nothing to feel guilty about."

"It was my job to keep her safe."

"And you did that job to the best of your ability. You're not Superman John, you can't protect everyone and Elizabeth would be the first one to tell you that." He gave John's shoulder a gentle squeeze before removing it. "I'll be in my office, if you need anything."

John barely registered Carson's exit, so caught up in the emotions that were swelling through him. Moving off the bed he snagged the chair Carson had been sitting in, pulling it closer to the bed. He knew logically that he'd done everything in his power to try and stop Elizabeth from being taken – he'd almost died after all – and he'd done what he had to in order to find and bring her home as soon as possible.

But emotionally was another matter. He should have tried harder to keep Elizabeth from going off world, should have trusted his gut feeling while they were off world that something bad was going to happen, should never have left her side the whole time they were there. If he'd been doing a better job of protecting her she never would have been kidnapped and never would have been forced to go through hell for a year.

It was too much he thought bitterly, seriously, how much more was he supposed to take before it got to be too much? Running a frustrated hand through his hair John leaned forward to rest his head on the bed.

--

Making his way to the infirmary Rodney was deep in thought. It had been almost two weeks since they'd brought Elizabeth home and despite both Carson's and Biro's assurances that her condition was stable and improving, Elizabeth had still yet to wake up. He was no medical doctor but even he knew that, that was not a good sign.

Entering the infirmary he quickly strode across the main area to the private rooms that where set up in the back area. Stepping into Elizabeth's room he paused seeing John there, although he shouldn't have been surprised, the man seemed to be a permanent fixture in the room.

"Any change?" Rodney moved further into the room.

"Nope." John stood up to stretch a bit. "But that doesn't really surprise me."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Rodney lowered himself into John's abandoned seat.

"Think about it, if you'd gone through what she's been through would you want to wake up and face it?"

"You think she's not waking up because she doesn't want to?" Rodney's brow furrowed slightly at John's implications.

"I'm no shrink, but it makes sense. She's gone through a pretty traumatic experience and sometimes the only way the mind can deal with something like that is by shutting down for awhile." John moved to lean against the wall at the head of the bed.

"For not being a shrink you seem to have a decent grasp on the functioning of the mind." Carson stepped into the room having over heard the last part of their conversation.

"Yeah well I'm military, one of the most psychoanalyzed demographics. Can't have mentally unstable people running around playing with heavy artillery and billion dollar toys."

"No we wouldn't want that." Carson allowed a small smile to form.

"Lay it out for me Carson," Rodney stood up to face his friend. "Did we get her back just to lose her again?"

"Honestly I don't know." Carson lowered his head briefly before looking up to met his friends' eyes. "These kinds of things aren't predictable. She could wake five minutes from now or she might not wake up at all-- "

"Not gonna happen, Elizabeth's tougher than that. She'll wake up." John straightened up, arms folded in defiance.

"John--." A moan – a distinctly feminine moan – cut off what Carson was about to say. Immediately all three men turned their attention to Elizabeth.

"Elizabeth…hey." John moved into Elizabeth's eyesight. When her half-lidded eyes found his, he felt his heart race.

"Joh…" Elizabeth's words were soft and slurred. She blinked, trying to clear the fog in her mind.

"How are you feeling?" Carson stepped up behind John, but didn't move any closer not sure how Elizabeth would react if he did.

Hearing Carson's familiar accent Elizabeth shifted her gaze to him. She frowned slightly at seeing the way the doctor stayed back; that wasn't normal behavior for the Scotsman. Elizabeth tried to think of an explanation for Carson's odd behavior, tried to remember what had happened to land her in the infirmary, but came up with a blank. Feeling exhausted and having trouble keeping her eyes open she decided answers could wait until later.

The last thing she was aware of was John gently squeezing her hand telling to go to sleep that everything was going to be ok. Trusting John completely Elizabeth stopped trying to fight it and allowed herself to drift off.

--

It had been two days since Elizabeth had last woken up and John had been glued to her side the whole time. It had taken a lot of threatening but Carson had finally chased him out of the infirmary, telling him not to come back until he'd at least showered and had something to eat. Carson would have preferred if he'd gotten some sleep as well but wasn't going to hold his breath on that one. Changing her IV bag Carson paused when he heard a slight moan come from Elizabeth. Quickly finishing his task he waited to see if she would finally come around again.

The first thing Elizabeth became aware of was the annoying beeping of a heart monitor – heck knows she'd spent enough time in the infirmary after John had been hurt to recognize that sound anywhere. Her eyes felt like they'd been cemented shut, but after several failed attempts she finally managed to pry them open.

Drawing a blank about how she'd ended up in the infirmary she looked around the familiar surroundings for some one that could give her some answers. Spotting Carson she tried to speak but found that her swollen feeling tongue prevented it. Coughing slightly Elizabeth didn't miss the way Carson hesitated before grabbing the cup of water off the bedside table and move close enough for her to take a few sips.

The cool liquid coursed over her tongue and down her throat and she welcomed it, grateful for the blessed relief it provided. "What happened?" She croaked out.

"What do you remember?" Seeing that at least for the moment his presence didn't seem to upset Elizabeth, Carson stepped a bit closer to the bed.

"I don't…" She trailed off as images flooded through her mind, the pain, the terror, everything she'd gone through over the last year. Suddenly, she felt sick, violated. "Oh God…" Seeing Elizabeth go pale Carson swiftly grabbed a basin off the table holding it in front of her.

Elizabeth sat up shaking uncontrollably as her stomach heaved. The effort shook her leaving her feeling weak and cold. Her vulnerability, the shame and horror, the helplessness and fear, everything, every emotion that she had experienced on that god-forsaken planet rushed through her sending her sweeping back to the reality of that existence.

Grabbing the extra blanket that had been lying on the foot of the bed Carson wrapped it around her shoulders. Reflexively Elizabeth tried to curl into a ball, but her ribs protested in agony.

"Elizabeth you need to calm down." Consequences be damned Carson moved to offer his friend comfort. Resting one hand on her back he gently grasped her uninjured hand with his other hand.

Elizabeth became dimly aware that the beeps registering her heartbeats were racing together, and she was panting for breath. She stared into Carson's face trying to focus on his words. She tried to steady her breathing. She was safe. It was over. She was safe. She gripped Carson's hand and held it like a lifeline.

She wanted this to be a bad dream, to wake up in her own bed when the alarm went off, ready for a new day. She closed her eyes again, wishing for the peace of oblivion. She felt Carson sit on the bed beside her, still holding her hand.

"God, Carson…" She couldn't fight it any more, burying herself in the security of Carson's embrace Elizabeth started sobbing.

John entered the room to find Elizabeth crying uncontrollably in Carson's arms. He froze the sound of her sobs bringing back memories of when she'd sobbed in his arms back on Arcadia. Feeling over whelming guilt – convinced that it was his fault that Elizabeth had been forced to go through that hell – John wordlessly turned around and left the room.


	2. Chapter 2

Not sure what had led him there John slumped down in one of the visitors chairs in Elizabeth's office – it may have been a year but he along with everyone else including Caldwell still thought of it as her office, everything was pretty much as she had left it before her disappearance. A few of the newer people in the control room had given him odd looks as he absently wandered into the office but he ignored them.

He closed his eyes and tried to swallow the lump in his throat. Opening his eyes again John swept his gaze around the empty room. She wasn't there and that was the problem. He had wandered into her office intent on bugging her – and if he was honest with himself to flirt with her – but she wasn't there. It wasn't the first time he'd found himself there, quite a few times he'd wandered in there over the last year, forgetting momentarily everything that had happened.

Once again feeling the weight of his guilt crashing in on him John bolted from the room using the back entrance. He didn't know where he was going, but didn't care as long as he got away – from what he didn't know he just knew that he had to get away.

--

Slowly Elizabeth shuffled from her bed over to the small bathroom. Even though it had been two weeks since she'd woken up and a little over a month since she'd been rescued Carson still hadn't allowed her to leave the infirmary yet. Even though according to him her injuries were healing nicely Carson was reluctant to let her out of his care just yet, but he did consent to let her get out of bed and move around a bit.

Normally Carson's mother hen tendencies would have annoyed her, but at the moment she had other concerns on her mind. The cast had been removed from her left arm the day before and Elizabeth fully intended to take advantage of that fact by taking a long hot shower, but first she had to get to the shower without falling flat on her face.

Shedding her clothes as she went Elizabeth scratched at the back of her neck where her implant had once been. Even though Dr Biro had been able to successfully remove it, every now and than Elizabeth swore she could still feel it in the back of her neck if she moved it a certain way.

The sight of her reflection in the mirror stooped Elizabeth in her tracks. Her normally vibrant hazel eyes stared back at her red-rimmed and lifelessly. Her skin was paler than she ever remembered seeing it. Her once smooth and flawless skin was mottled with bruises. The colors ranged from yellow and a standoffish brown, to blue and deep purple, all depending on the time frame in which they were inflicted.

The disgusting purple and green souvenirs drove her memories into the light of a horrid reality. It did happen. Here was the proof, along the ridge of her ribs, along her hipbones, and lower still. On the flare of her hips, the soft, inner portion of her thighs, and…

…And within the delicate folds and depths of her body, much farther beneath the surface of her skin than any discoloration. Their bodies had marked her own, had plunged deep within her.

"Elizabeth?" She heard the voice, but didn't acknowledge it.

Receiving no response Carson stepped into the private room. He didn't see Elizabeth right away, but noticed the light on in the bathroom. Moving over to the closed door he knocked, "Elizabeth…?"

Again receiving no response Carson cautiously cracked open the bathroom door and poked his head in. Seeing Elizabeth standing in front of the mirror looking as pale as a ghost, shaking and with a far off look in her eyes, he cursed softly before moving to grab the blanket off the bed.

Elizabeth cast her eyes down when she registered Carson in the same room with her. She felt him wrap a blanket around her shoulders and his strong gentle hands turn her away from the mirror.

"C'mon," Carson guided her out of the bathroom over to the bed. Glancing up briefly Elizabeth met Carson's gaze, he smiled softly but she could see it in his eyes…

Pity…Anger…Disgust…

Elizabeth quickly diverted her gaze as Carson prodded her to lie down. She didn't want to see the things that were reflecting in Carson's eyes. Feeling her eyes begin to sting with tears Elizabeth rapidly blinked trying to hold them off.

Sliding into the chair by her bedside Carson watched as Elizabeth attempted to fight off the tears that were forming in her eyes. Just thinking about the things that had been done to Elizabeth made Carson angry. It disgusted him that people could do something so horrible to another person.

It was breaking his heart to see his friend suffering, but he knew that there was nothing more he could do for her. He could heal her physical wounds, but there was only one person that could help heal her emotional wounds, her wounded soul. And that one person had been frustratingly absent since Elizabeth had woken up.

This had to stop.

Making a quick call to Kate to come sit with Elizabeth for a little bit Carson rose from his seat and strode out of the infirmary. He was a man on a mission and heaven have pity on anyone who got in his way.

--

Barging into John's quarters Carson came up short as the strong scent of alcohol hit him. Glaring at the man sprawled out on the bed Carson yanked the bottle of – he took a quick taste – Zelenka's home made brew out of John's hand.

"Hey!"

Carson ignored the protest, "You know Radek's been going on a rampage trying to find the person who raided his stock."

"Good for him." John's voice wasn't slurred yet, but it was close. "Now was there something you wanted or do you just feel like being annoying?"

"Aye, I want you to get your scrawny little white ass off that bed and sobered up." Carson reached down to haul John up, "And it wouldn't hurt you to take a shower."

"Hate to break it to you Carson, but I don't need another mother." John tried to grab the bottle back from Carson.

"What you need is a good kick in the ass." Carson started manhandling John towards the bathroom. "Elizabeth needs you John and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let her see you like this."

On some level John knew that Carson was right, but that didn't mean he knew how to stop feeling like it was his fault she'd been hurt. He should have been there. Been there to save her, to hold her, to protect her. He should have been paying more attention to their surroundings...and not to Elizabeth's backside.

Listening to the doctor moving about in his room John let out a frustrated sigh as he stared hard into his bathroom mirror studying his own face for a possible answer. Carson may have been right but John had to be honest he wasn't sure if could be the person Elizabeth needed him to be.

--

Elizabeth laid curled up on her bed where Carson had left her. She knew that Kate was sat in the chair next to the bed now, but couldn't bring herself to roll over and face the woman. Elizabeth knew that Kate and Carson were worried about her and just wanted to help, but what she needed was John who she hadn't seen since she'd returned. She did have a vague image of seeing him the very first time she woke up, but that's all it was a vague image, nothing solid.

She was shaking softly and couldn't stop. She closed her eyes and the memories of what Jerick and countless other Arcadian men had done to her crowded in her mind. Her thoughts whirling with all the emotions she had felt. One taking its place after the other.

Pain...anger...revulsion...hurt...loss...disgust...

She was plagued by images of men over her, their hands squeezing her thighs hard, forcing her down. Her skin burned at the memory of fingertips roving her body. The feeling of them inside her...her stomach convulsing in revulsion. She choked back a whimper as she forced her eyes open again.

'_Where are you John?'_

--

After reading the same paragraph for the millionth time Rodney gave up on trying to get any work done. He was worried about Elizabeth, but had no idea what to do to help. The last time he'd gone to visit her he hadn't missed the way she'd flinched every time he got to close or the fear that was constantly in her eyes.

Rubbing his eyes Rodney allowed his thoughts to wander. John was drowning in his own sorrow. He felt guilty, even Rodney with his less than stellar people skills could see that, but his absence was hurting Elizabeth. Even though he hadn't been to see her since she'd woken John was the only man, aside from Carson, that could get near Elizabeth with out her flinching and fear flashing in her eyes.

Carson was beating himself up over something he couldn't fix. It was killing him seeing Elizabeth in pain and not being able to do anything about it. Rodney also knew that Carson was getting more and more frustrated with John. Elizabeth needed John's support, but he was letting his guilt get in the way of that support.

Ronon was being Ronon, offering his own form of support. These days the man could usually be found standing guard outside of Elizabeth's room keeping a silent vigil. On a few occasions Carson had actually resorted to slipping a sedative into the man's food in order to get him to sleep. On other occasions Carson had enlisted Teyla to bully Ronon out of the infirmary.

Teyla was…well to be honest he wasn't really sure how Teyla was doing. Rodney hadn't really seen much of his teammate lately, although he did know that she visited Elizabeth every day. She was also spending a lot of time in the gym – probably beating the crap out of unsuspecting soldiers. Rodney made a mental note to catch up with Teyla.

With John being emotionally AWOL Kate was the closest thing to a lifeline they had for Elizabeth. So far out of everyone Kate was the only person that Elizabeth had had an actual conversation with.

As for himself he'd holed himself up in his lab. Rodney didn't know how to deal with everything that had happened. He was dealing with things the way he usually did, by burying himself in his work.

Moral was at an all time low around the city and it didn't look to be getting better anytime soon.

--

John dropped his gaze as he approached Elizabeth's room, Ronon was giving him a glare that spoke of great bodily harm if John even so much as stepped an inch out of line. Yeah John knew he'd been a selfish ass letting his only feelings over shadow what was really important; Elizabeth.

Ronon's hand none to gently contacting with his chest made John stop. The tension he could feel in his friend's arm told John that the Satedan was seething with anger and the only thing that kept him from killing John was the fact that it would hurt Elizabeth.

"Easy…I know I've been an ass, but I'm here now." John held his hands up in a placating manor.

"You hurt her again in any way, the Wraith will be the last of your problems." Ronon's tone left no doubt in John's mind that the man would follow through with any threats.

Ronon may not have known the Lanteans for very long, but there was something about Elizabeth that demanded respect and loyalty. She was a strong, intelligent, brave, woman; a woman Ronon could have easily found himself falling for if not for the fact that her whole heart, body, and soul had already belonged to John and only John – whether she knew it or not. No Ronon was content with playing the protective older brother role – in a figurative sense, since she was technically older than him.

Nodding his head in understanding John entered Elizabeth's room. Kate was sat in the chair next to the bed, worry evident in her eyes. Looking up she smiled softly at seeing John standing in the doorway. Rising from the chair she moved towards the door pausing to give John's arm a reassuring squeeze before disappearing out the door. Crossing the room John stopped a few steps away from the bed, Elizabeth was lying with her back to him as her body softly shuddered and he wasn't sure what to do.

"Elizabeth?" John stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"John?" Elizabeth rolled over slowly as if not sure what she was hearing was real.

His heart stirred at the sight of her. Her cheeks were shallow, eyes deep in her face, angst and pain swirling in her gaze. Elizabeth slowly reached out a shaking hand. John moved the last few steps to her side and grasped her fingers tightly as he sat to the edge of the bed. Without hesitation Elizabeth flung herself into his arms nearly knocking the breath out of him. John wrapped tight arms around her body, holding her gently.

--

A week later Elizabeth sat on the edge of her bed waiting for Carson to officially release her from the infirmary. She knew that Carson was hesitant to release her, but there was really no medical reason for her to stay in the infirmary any longer. She had to admit that she wasn't sure she wanted to leave either, but she couldn't stay hidden away forever she had get out and face the world again sometime.

Letting out a large breath Elizabeth stood up feeling a bit antsy. Her movements were a bit slower and stiffer than usual due to her having been stuck in bed for a month, but she pushed that to the back of her mind. To keep herself occupied Elizabeth busied herself checking to make sure she had the few things of hers that had migrated from her quarters to the infirmary while she was there, John had helped her pack the items into a small duffle bag the night before.

John…

There was another issue that was weighing on her mind. She knew that something was going on with him, but couldn't get him to talk to her about it. For the first two weeks since she woke up he'd avoided visiting her, then all of the sudden a week ago he'd finally come to visit her and hadn't strayed far from her side since. She still didn't know what had caused him to stay away and then change his attitude.

But while he'd been there for her physically, he'd been emotionally distant. Their relationship – if it could be called that – hadn't matured or even moved forward at all. Elizabeth knew she wouldn't be ready for an intimate relationship for some time, but that didn't mean she didn't want things between her and John to progress. The whole situation was starting to frustrate her.

Pausing in the doorway for a moment John studied Elizabeth as she moved about the room. She was wearing a simple pair of jeans and a white pullover hoodie; it was the most casual set of clothing he'd seen her wear and he'd never seen her looking more beautiful. Shaking his head John pushed off the doorframe and strolled into the room.

He cleared his throat to announce his presence, "Hey you ready to go?"

Turning around to face him Elizabeth smiled faintly as John took her bag and offered her his hand. "Yeah let's go." She intertwined her fingers with John's as they left the infirmary.


	3. Chapter 3

"Colonel." Spotting John leaving the gym Kate called out, picking up her pace to catch up with him. "You got a minute?"

"If you don't mind the smell." John slung his gym bag over his shoulder as he continued down the corridor.

"I'll manage." She fell in step with him.

"Right, so what's up?"

"I wanted to talk to you about Elizabeth." Kate didn't miss the worry that flashed through John's eyes. "Don't worry she's doing well…at least as well as can be expected any way." She quickly reassured him.

"But…?"

"But we've hit a bit of a wall…you."

"Me?" John stopped walking, turning to face Kate.

"Yes. John you can't deny that there's something between you and Elizabeth. What the extent of that something is I don't know, that's between the two of you. But I do know that she needs you, needs your full support and she doesn't feel like she's getting it."

"Of course she has my support. I'm always there if she needs me." John couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Physically, yes you are…but emotionally, not so much in her opinion. If she needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to hold her it's you she turns to, but at the same time she feels like you're only letting her because you feel obligated."

"What that's ridiculous."

"Look I have a session with Elizabeth today and I think it would be a good idea if you were there."

"Yeah, sure." Absently John started walking again.

--

Later that day John found himself sitting in Kate's office fidgeting slightly; he really didn't want to be there. It was nothing personal against Kate; John just didn't like people trying to poke around in his head. But if she thought it would help Elizabeth than he would suck it up and be there.

"From the moment I met you John I've felt I could trust you. We've always been able to talk to each other about anything. But lately it's like you've walled yourself off from me."

John stopped fidgeting when he heard Elizabeth's words. Noticing the glint of unshed tears in Elizabeth's eyes he adverted his gaze. The tears added more to the tremendous amount of guilt he's been feeling. He had no idea how he was supposed to respond or what he was supposed to do. Looking towards Kate who had been unusually silent since the beginning of the session – weren't psychologists supposed to ask questions and things like that? – John realized he wasn't going to get any answers from her.

Moving to sit closer to John, Elizabeth took hold of his hand. "John I know you feel guilty, I just don't know what you feel guilty about."

He wanted to tell her, he really did. But how was he supposed to look the woman he loved in the eye and admit that it was his fault, that because he hadn't been doing his job, she'd been repeatedly raped and beaten.

"Nothing that happened to me was your fault, if that's what you're thinking. I don't blame you for any of it."

"Well you should, I do!" John pulled away from Elizabeth standing up and moving to stare out the window. "I had one job! To protect you and I failed. I let myself get distracted and you paid for it."

"John," Standing up herself Elizabeth crossed over to John. Grabbing his arm she forced him to face her. John lowered his gaze as she hesitantly laid a hand on his chest. "_I_. Do. _Not_. Blame. You. And. I. _Never_. Will." She used her other hand to punctuate each word by poking him in the chest with a finger.

Shaking his head John pulled away again, "How can you not? I don't even know how you can stand to be around me. I mean shit Elizabeth I all but raped you myself, twice--." He cut himself off surprised by his admission. He'd been so busy focusing on the guilt he felt about everything that had led up to Elizabeth's kidnapping that he hadn't even realized he'd been feeling guilty about what had happened while he was on Arcadia.

"What…?" Elizabeth was shocked, never once had she thought of what had happened between her and John on Arcadia as rape. All this time John had been hurting over something that had never crossed her mind.

Following after him she firmly but gently grab his head between her hands. Elizabeth could see John's heart breaking, saw the guilt in his eyes. "John believe me never once did I think of what happened between us on Arcadia as rape. You kept me safe, you gave me the hope and strength to hold on 'til you were able to rescue me… You reminded me what it felt like to be loved."

Sensing the sincerity in her tone John lifted his gaze to meet Elizabeth's. He felt his breath hitch when he saw the raw emotions in her eyes.

"I can't do this alone. I-I can't. I-I…" She paused as she drew a shaky breath, her eyes softening as her own grief showed. Breathing shakily, she brought her eyes into line with his before continuing the line of thought she had abandoned moments earlier. "I can't do this alone, John," she whispered. "I need you."

With her admission came the onslaught of her tears. Wordlessly, he engulfed her in his arms, holding her head gently against the crook of his neck. Feeling a swell of emotion from deep within his body, he held her close as she clung to him.

"I'm here, you got me." John whispered as Elizabeth wrapped her arms around his waist. He was never going to fully forgive himself, but his guilt suddenly didn't feel so tremendous and unbearable any more.

--

The sound of running water woke John. Groggily rolling over in bed, he frowned finding Elizabeth gone. After the session in Kate's office he and Elizabeth had retreated to his room to talk things out more, exhaustion had soon caught up with them both and they'd fallen a sleep snuggled up on his bed. Sleepily John wiped a hand across his eyes, blinking several times before focusing on the clock on the nightstand.

2:40 am. – What the hell was Elizabeth doing in the shower at two in the morning?

"Shit," he muttered as concern flooded through his sleep muddled brain. Dragging his body into a sitting position he listened to the hard water spray hitting the tiled walls. Sighing, he decided to give her ten minutes before he knocked to check on her to make sure everything was ok. Perhaps paranoia was getting the best of him, but he would rather face embarrassment than endanger her already delicate psyche further.

--

Their hands were everywhere — all of them, all at once. She could not get away from their groping fingers or their lustful, hungry stares as they openly surveyed her prone body, she could not rid herself of their penetrating members. They were all around her, wherever she went, cajoling her, grasping her, pulling her back towards them with terrifying ferocity.

She was still on Arcadia, being brutally assaulted over and over and over again. The scent of their sweat encrusted, throbbing bodies poured into her nostrils; their cries of ecstasy and triumph as they came within her filled her ears, clouding out all that remained of her rational self. They inhabited her every system, her every thought and feeling and sensation…she had to get them out of her…she had to get them out…

--

A dull thud coming from the bathroom turned John's ten minute wait into a mere four minute one. He was on his feet and across the room in a split second, his knuckles rapping lightly on the door as he called her name.

"Elizabeth?" He got no response. "Elizabeth!" He called again, louder this time and with more urgency. Still, she didn't respond; pressing his ear to the door, he strained to hear anything beyond the water pounding against the ceramic tile, but to no avail.

Finally, damning the consequences of his actions should she just be leisurely showering at three o'clock in the morning, he opened the door and stepped into the room, the immediate, overwhelming change in humidity catching him off guard.

"Elizabeth, everything ok?" Still his words garnered no response except the water running out of the showerhead; John felt his stomach begin to churn as the situation began to grow more and more unsettling. "Damn it!" He exclaimed as he impatiently shoved the shower curtain out of the way.

Swallowing harshly, he felt his heart drop from his chest when he saw her huddled into a fetal position in the corner of the shower, beaten into a red sheen by the violent pressure and extreme temperature of the water.

"Elizabeth…" He whispered as he quickly turned off the water and ran his hand along the crown of her head, her hair damp and unnaturally hot. Desperately searching her eyes for any sign of recognition, John tapped the back of his hand lightly against Elizabeth's cheek repeatedly. "Come on look at me," he muttered.

Continuing his attempts to rouse her, his heart stopped when he glimpsed a broken disposable shaving razor clutched in her right hand. Looking closer he spotted the self-inflicted lacerations crisscrossing her upper arms, along with a few on her abdomen.

Snatching several towels from the rack above the sink, he unfurled the smallest one and placed it over her stomach, gently guiding her left arm across her body to hold the makeshift bandage in place. Grabbing another small towel he got it wet and gently ran it over the cuts on her arms. When he was satisfied that the blood flow was beginning to staunch, he pried the razor from her grasp and hurled it into the garbage can.

Gently he pressed his fingers into the heated skin of her back; his fingerprints turned white and then gradually resumed their previous color, the scheme indicative of a first-degree burn. "Shit," he muttered, his eyes closing momentarily before he turned on the cool water letting the gentle stream flow over Elizabeth.

Turning from her, he grabbed a clean washcloth off of the pile beside him, saturating it thoroughly before placing the cloth on the irritated flesh of her back. He knelt next to her, and ran one hand through the damp strands of her hair while the other continued its soothing ministrations along her back and shoulders, the water cooling her skin with surprising speed. Every now and again he would say her name and whisper soothingly to her, his entire being focused exclusively on returning this woman to the present.

Sensing her slow return to normalcy, he increased the frequency of his murmured platitudes, each sentiment punctuated by water dripping from the cloth and down the smooth skin of her back. Hearing her slight sniffle, he stopped cooling her back momentarily and brushed damp hair away from her face.

"Elizabeth?" He asked tentatively, his tone barely audible. "Look at me please."

Elizabeth shifted slightly, but her gaze remained focused on the white porcelain in front of her, refusing — or unable — to meet his gaze. Keeping his eyes trained on her, he resumed cleansing her back, working her shoulders, neck, and upper arms into his routine. Her eyes slid slowly closed and her eyebrows crinkled in response to his continued measures; he paused when he could not decipher the emotion behind her reaction.

"You ok?" John relaxed when she gave a slight nod, eyes still closed. The tension started to ease out of her muscles. Involuntarily she shivered, chilled, her body having returned to its normal pallor.

Placing a soft kiss on top of her head, John wrapped a large bath towel around her shoulders and bent over her, winding one arm across the back of her upper torso and snaking the other under her knees. Picking her up in one strong, smooth motion, he turned to deposit her on the closed seat of the toilet.

Moving Elizabeth's arm out of the way John removed the washcloth from her stomach and gently inspected the wounds, then moved on to look at her arms. A few of the cuts seemed to be pretty deep, but for the most part the majority of the cuts were shallow thin scratches along her skin that would hardly be noticeable in a day or two. Briefly John rifled around the bathroom until he found the first-aide kit he kept in there. Elizabeth stared dully ahead, seemingly unaware of her circumstances or his presence.

Sighing resignedly, John knelt in front of Elizabeth, "Elizabeth…I…" He began softly, his next words hesitant and drawn out. "Ok look I have no idea what exactly I'm supposed to be doing here. This isn't anywhere close to my area of expertise." Taking a deep breath, heavy with the pressure of his own frustration, John scrubbed a hand through his sleep tousled hair. "Help me out here, please." He murmured.

He stayed silent for several moments hoping she would respond, she didn't. "I'm terrified that I'm gonna end up doing something to screw this up, make things worst." Glancing up at Elizabeth, her expression still distant and dangerously vacant, John continued, his tone earnest, "I don't want to lose you."

Gently placing his hand over hers, he blinked several times in an attempt to repress the mist that threatened to overwhelm his vision. He startled slightly when Elizabeth unexpectedly shifted her hand under his lacing her fingers with his.

"You won't." Elizabeth whispered softly. John's eyes slipped closed, his relief and compassion riveting the air, as she spoke hoarsely, her tone reassuring him while her heart lacked the strength.


	4. Chapter 4

Elizabeth gradually woke several hours later to the faint, comforting reverberation of a heart beating softly beneath her head. Taking in a long, deep breath, she allowed herself to revel in John's presence, his clean masculine scent, his soothing warmth before shifting further into his embrace. Wincing at the unexpected discomfort across her stomach and arms she drew back, vaguely aware of the circumstances that had bourn their current sleeping arrangements.

Except for a few fleeting images, more like impressions than actual images, her memory of the night before was foggy. She recalled John's attentiveness, the tenderness and empathy with which he had cleansed and bandaged her wounds and smoothed aloe into the irritated skin of her back; how he had meekly massaged lotion over her arms and legs, her shoulders and neck; how he had helped her dress, his eyes never straying or staying fixed on any part of her nakedness for too long; how he had helped her into bed and held her gently against his body as she had slowly succumbed to sleep.

Stirring to consciousness John's arms reflexively tightened around her eliciting a slight pained gasp from her. Hearing her opposition, involuntary though it was, he relinquished his hold on her body, the arm under her head flopping back against the pillow while his other hand came to rest on his stomach. "Sorry," he muttered, his voice scratchy with sleep.

"It's all right," she answered, locating his hand under the blankets and threading their fingers together reassuringly. She felt his other hand alight on her head as his fingers began combing lazily through her hair, and allowed her eyes to droop contentedly closed at the settling, intimate contact.

His warm breath washed over her forehead as he brushed his lips against her skin, "you need to have Carson look at those cuts."

Sighing, she buried her head against his shoulder. "Later."

"Elizabeth," John pulled back to look at her in the gray light of morning, his dark eyes hard with concern, his voice firm yet soft. Disengaging his hand from hers, he gently traced the outline of her face, beginning at her temple, rounding the rim of her ear, and dipping down to her chin before cupping her jaw gingerly in his palm. "He needs to know…Kate too."

"I know…I just…can it wait for a little while…I don't…I mean I'm not…" She trailed off, nervously biting her lower lip.

"What is it?"

"Carson wanted to give me a check up today…you know the usual stuff, vitals, blood work, those kinds of things."

"That doesn't sound so bad, you've gone through those things before." He kissed her temple softly.

"He needs to do a pelvic exam too." she murmured, her voice hardly audible, but her words unmistakable to him.

"I'm here if you need me." John gently pulled her closer to his body offering her what comfort he could. He knew she was scared, aside from a similar exam when she'd returned from Arcadia – which she'd been unconscious for – she hadn't been touched internally since coming home. After a moment he spoke again, "I guess it can wait…'til after breakfast."

"Deal." Her hand wrapped delicately around the back of his neck as she steadily directed his mouth to meet hers. Tentatively their lips touched once briefly, and then a second, lingering time.

"In or out for breakfast?" he ran his fingers idly through her hair before bending down to capture her mouth once again with his, alert for any sign of her discomfort while savoring the sweet taste of her lips pressed gently against his own.

Pulling back from their embrace, she gazed up at him for several long moments, her eyes bright and satisfied, as she adoringly scrutinized his features. Brushing the back of her fingers against his stubble covered cheek, she murmured, "In."

"Right." Groaning reluctantly, he threw the blankets back and slid out of the bed. His arms stretched mightily over his head before he shuffled over to the small kitchen like area he'd set up in one corner of his room.

Elizabeth didn't eat much at breakfast, merely picked at her eggs and hash browns; John knew she had to be even hungrier than he'd been. After all, she'd eaten little since coming home, the results of which he had painfully noted last night — earlier that morning, whatever — as he had taken in the sharp protrusion of her hip bones against her taut skin and the sickly definition of her ribs along her sides.

Glancing across at her hands on the table, he winced at the undeniable thinness of her fingers and the pronounced projection of her knuckles. He'd never thought of her as skinny; lean, yes, complete with the strength and confidence the term implied, but never skinny. He decided he would mention it to Carson if Elizabeth ate little at lunch.

After cleaning up breakfast John curled up on the bed with Elizabeth. She had her legs pulled protectively against her chest and her head resting lightly on his shoulder. Plucking one of her hands from off of her knee, he held it against his own, palm to palm, and splayed their fingers simultaneously, scrutinizing the sharp protrusion of her bones against her cold, pale skin.

"You've lost weight," he murmured, carefully keeping his tone neutral not wanting her to think he was accusing her.

"Have I?" she asked stretching her fingers gently against his hand John nodded. Shivering slightly, she drew her hand from his grasp and burrowed into the warmth of John's sweater she'd swiped from his closet earlier.

Before John could respond he was interrupted by a knock on the door. He instantly felt Elizabeth tense up under his arms. "Hey relax, its just Carson," she looked up at him with a raised eyebrow. "I figured you'd be more comfortable with him coming here than you going to him." He disentangled from Elizabeth and went to the door.

Opening the door and stepping just outside it John was only mildly surprised to find Kate standing there with Carson.

"I was meeting with Carson when you called," Kate explained seeing a hint of a question in John's eyes. "Thought I'd tag along and see how you and Elizabeth were doing after yesterday."

"It's ok…actually it's probably a good thing that you're here too, saves me having to go over this more then once." John ran a hand through his hair.

"What happened?" Carson questioned. "You didn't really tell me much when you called."

John squashed the faint tickle of nervousness in his gut as Carson brought the events of the previous night to mind. "She uh had an episode last night I think and she…" He paused attempting to find the most delicate words to phrase the night's events. After clearing his throat softly, he continued, "She hurt herself."

"Intentionally?" Kate spoke up.

"Yeah…but I don't think she was really aware of what was happening at the time."

Assimilating the information, Carson asked after a moment, "Where and how did she hurt herself?"

"Cuts on her upper arms and some on her stomach."

Nodding his head Carson moved to enter John's quarters. John went to follow, but stopped when he felt Kate gently, but firmly grip his arm. "Wait."

Trusting Kate's judgment John paused in the doorway watching as Carson approached Elizabeth who was still sitting on the bed where John had left her.

"Elizabeth…" Carson called out gently, announcing his presence. Waiting until she looked at him, Carson perched on the edge of the bed.

"He told you." It was a statement not a question.

"He cares about you."

"I know." Elizabeth nervously bit her lower lip.

"Would you prefer to have Dr. Biro check you over?" Carson couldn't help but notice how nervous Elizabeth was. He knew that she trusted him and that even after everything that had happened still wanted him to be her primary physician, but he was still a male.

"No, no I trust you." She softly covered one of his hands.

"Ok and can I assume you'd be more comfortable doing it here than the infirmary?" Seeing her nod her head Carson reassuringly squeezed her hand. "I'll need to get some things from the infirmary. I'll be right back." He stood up and headed for the door.

"Carson?" John straightened up from where he'd been leaning in the doorway.

"She wants to do her check up here so I'm gonna go get some things I'll need from the infirmary." Carson explained as he moved past.

Stepping back into the room John moved to sit on the bed next to Elizabeth. "Hey you ok?" He placed a soft kiss on her forehead

"Yeah." Elizabeth rested her head on John's shoulder, curling up to him.

"Elizabeth?" Kate snagged one of the chairs by the table and brought it over near where Elizabeth was sitting.

"Kate." Elizabeth shifted slightly to look at the other woman, but didn't other wise move away from John.

"Feel like telling me what happened last night?"

Elizabeth sighed snuggling in closer to John, "I'm not really sure…I don't really remember much."

"Can you tell me what you were thinking about?"

"Not really." She closed her eyes briefly. While Elizabeth gathered her thoughts John absently rubbed his thumb over the back of one of her hands. "I remember John…his gentleness…feeling safe…but before…it's all kind of foggy…"

The sound of the doors opening cut off anything Kate was about to say. Seeing that Carson had returned she stood up to leave. "We can talk about this more later."

Feeling Elizabeth tense up John soothingly rubbed her arm, "You want me to stay?"

"Thanks, but no…I need to…"

"I understand." Tenderly kissing her forehead John got up and followed Kate out of the room. Having work to do Kate wasn't able to stay, but John didn't care if the Wraith were attacking he wasn't moving an inch further away than he had to.

Watching John leave Elizabeth felt her stomach twist up in knots. Unsure what Carson wanted her to do she moved to sit on the edge of the bed. Seeing that Elizabeth was nervous Carson set his medical bag down crouching in front of her but careful not to touch her with out permission. "I promise to do this as quickly as I can. If you want me to stop at any time just say so and I will." She nodded her understanding. "We'll save the pelvic exam for last, I'll take you vitals first, I need you to calm down if you can first though.

Waiting patiently Carson gathered the things he would need first, making sure he stayed within Elizabeth's eye sight the whole time. Satisfied that she'd calmed down a bit he started with taking her temperature.

Checking the reading on the thermometer he frowned slightly. "You body temperatures a bit on the low side." He informed her. "How've you been doing pain wise?" He questioned as he pulled a syringe out of his bag to take a blood sample.

Elizabeth shrugged softly. "Alright I guess. A little sore, but nothing unbearable."

"That's good." Tucking the blood sample away in his bag Carson next pulled out a hospital gown. "I need you to change into this gown. Would you like me to step outside?"

"You can stay." Elizabeth mumbled as she took the gown from Carson.

While Elizabeth gingerly changed Carson turned his back to give her a modicum of privacy, busying himself with arranging his instruments. Drawing a deep breath when Elizabeth vocalized her readiness, Carson smiled as he turned and approached her.

Having Elizabeth lie down Carson carefully prodded the woman's ribcage, carefully watching her for any sign of distress. Receiving only a slight hint of a wince at one point he was pleased to see that her bruised and cracked ribs were healing nicely.

Next he checked her left arm making sure the muscles were regaining strength and that there was no trouble with motion. Satisfied he moved onto the cuts on her upper arms. They weren't deep enough to require stitches, a few of them could've been help with a few butterfly stitches, but he wasn't going to haul her down to the infirmary for them if he didn't absolutely have to.

"Everything's looking good so far." Carson commented as he mentally took a deep breath. "I need to check your upper body now, is it ok if I lower the gown down to your waist?"

At first Elizabeth didn't respond to his question, but after a moment softly nodded her head. Gently Carson grasped the neck of the gown and drew it down to Elizabeth's waist. He briefly closed his eyes as he took in the bruising, even after nearly two months many of the bruises were still visible. He also frowned at the way the skin around her ribs clung to her ribs making them frighteningly visible. "You're loosing weight."

"If you say so." Elizabeth's tone was distant.

"Have you been eating regularly?" Carson tried to keep the worry out of his voice.

"I guess, but I haven't really been that hungry."

"In that case I'd like to start you on a specialized dietary plan to see if we can't get your weight up." Elizabeth nodded as Carson turned his attention to the cuts on her stomach. "I'm going to examine the lacerations on your stomach now. Will you be ok if I touch you?"

Slowly, Elizabeth nodded, the tension in her body visible. Gently Carson examined the worst of the cuts, much like the ones on her arms they didn't require stitches, but could have been helped with some butterfly stitches. Quickly he cleaned and re-bandaged the wounds.

Finished with the bandaging Carson drew the gown back up over Elizabeth's shoulders. Knowing what was coming next Elizabeth closed her eyes, her body tense. "Would you like me to get John?"

She shook her head. No this was something she needed to prove to herself that she could do on her own.

"If you're sure…" Seeing the determination on Elizabeth's face Carson nodded, setting out what he needed. Elizabeth tried to force herself to relax as Carson started the pelvic exam. She struggled to remind herself of where she was, whom she was with.

She was not on Arcadia, she was not in medical being checked, she…she…

Carson stopped what he was doing when he heard the anguished whimpers coming from Elizabeth. Glancing up at her face he noticed her tightly closed eyes and pained grimace.

"Elizabeth?" Receiving no response Carson cursed silently as sobs began to rack Elizabeth's body and strings of desperate pleas issued hoarsely, painfully from her throat. "John!" He called knowing the man would be right outside, as he moved to Elizabeth's side.

Instantly John was inside the room and at Elizabeth's side, he didn't bother to ask what had happened. Sitting down on the edge of the bed he caringly grasped her hand. "Elizabeth, look at me." He soothingly stroked her hair with his free hand as he softly kissed her forehead. "It's ok, you're safe, you're home. Focus on my voice, focus on me not the memories." He continued whispering platitudes to her until finally, he was rewarded with her eyelids snapping open, her wide, terror-filled eyes desperately seeking his.

"John?" Elizabeth whispered, her grip on John's hand tightened.

"Yeah, I'm here." John didn't stop stroking her hair. At his words, her face crumbled and tears poured out of her eyes anew as she reached to firmly grip the fabric of his shirt and bury her head into his shoulder. "Shh…" He whispered, gathering her trembling body into his arms. "You're safe, I've got you."

John held her tightly for several long moments. Feeling her body begin to relax he loosened his hold slightly, pulling back to look at her face. "Sleep," he murmured as he watched her eyes begin to droop shut, exhaustion taking hold.

As John began to gently lay her back onto the mattress, she clutched at his shirt and urgently whispered, "Stay…don't leave."

Smiling softly, he bent to gently brush their lips together then settled her back onto the mattress before stretching out alongside her, leaning most of his upper body against the headboard. She instinctively shifted towards his warmth, nestling herself securely against him, her fingers still clutching the fabric of his shirt.

Looking up John spotted Carson hovering near by. "She's ok right…I mean aside from the obvious flash black?"

"Aye, everything seems to be healing nicely. And none of the cuts on her arms and stomach are in need of stitches. It wouldn't hurt to put some butterfly stitches in a few of them, but I'm not going to drag her down to the infirmary if she doesn't want to go." Carson sat down in the chair Kate had used earlier.

"That's good." John was about to say more but paused when Elizabeth snuggled herself closer to him, her shiver was unmistakable.

Seeing her shiver Carson grabbed the blanket that was sitting on the end of the bed and draped it over Elizabeth. "I'll come check on her later."

"Thanks." John spoke softly. Carson nodded, smiling slightly as he silently exited the room.


	5. Chapter 5

It was the middle of the afternoon before Elizabeth began to stir. "John…" She muttered, her arm around his waist tightening minutely as her head burrowed deeply into his shoulder.

"Hey, sleepy." John whispered tenderly stroking her tangled hair.

"Mmm…" She freed one hand from the blanket to rub the sleep from her eyes. "Thank you."

"For what?" Puzzled he stopped stroking her hair, but didn't move his hand away.

Elizabeth propped herself up on one elbow, leaning in to softly kiss John. "For everything, for making me feel safe, for…" she kissed him again, "…loving me."

"Always." John closed the distance between them and tenderly claimed her mouth.

Pulling back Elizabeth bit her lower lip nervously, "Shower?"

Immediately understanding that she was afraid of what might happen if she was alone in that environment John climbed out of bed and took her hand, helping her out of the bed. Seeing her sway as she stood up John grasped her elbows to steady her, his eyes wavering with concern. "You ok?"

"Yeah, just a little dizzy and light headed." She answered, winding one arm around his and leaning heavily against him.

"Want me to call Carson?"

"No," panic laced her tone as she recalled the earlier encounter with her friend. "I'll be fine, I probably just got up too fast."

John wasn't entirely convinced, but didn't want to push her on the issue at the moment. He wrapped one arm protectively around her shoulders, watching her carefully as her equilibrium reestablished itself. After a few moments, she nodded again and shifted her hand to rest in the crook of his arm as they moved to the bathroom.

--

Elizabeth sighed softly as the warm water flowed over her easing the tension out of her muscles. Startled slightly her eyes snapped open when she felt a bath sponge touch her shoulder. John stood before her, water streaming down his chest in gentle rivulets, his eyes apologetic and questioning. Smiling reassuringly at him, she nodded for him to continue. Slowly John began to gently wash her body.

Feeling her begin to tense up and shake softly when he started to wash her legs John stopped what he was doing and gently pulled her close whispering soft comforting platitudes attempting to bring her back to the present, out of her memories. Turning the shower off he reached out to grab the towels off the closed toilet seat, wrapping one around her shoulders and the other around his waist. Stepping out of the shower he guided her to sit on the closed toilet seat. Elizabeth was staring blankly ahead, lost in her own world of rampant thought and revelation.

"Look at me Elizabeth." John crouched down in front of her. Frowning when she failed to respond, he gently cradled her jaw in his palm. Her eyes remained fixed over his shoulder. "C'mon," sighing, he gently pulled her to her feet and urged her out of the bathroom over to the bed.

Grabbing a pair of sweats and the warmest sweater he had John tenderly helped Elizabeth dress. Finished, he quickly dressed himself then moved to sit next to Elizabeth. Immediately she moved to rest her head on his shoulder. Wrapping his arms around her John held her close as tears began to silently run down her face.

--

Several hours later Elizabeth slowly woke up cocooned in John's strong embrace. The events that had happened while she and John had been in the shower came flooding back, causing her to close her eyes in regret. She was beginning to get frustrated with having flashbacks; if she couldn't do something as simple as taking a shower without having a flashback, how was she ever going to get back to having a normal life?

Becoming aware of the pounding in her head Elizabeth carefully extracted herself from John's arms and went in search of some aspirin. Finding the first aid kit in the bathroom she grabbed a few packets of single dose aspirin then wandered out to the kitchen to get a glass of water and downed the painkillers.

"You feeling ok?"

Elizabeth startled not expecting to hear John's voice. Turning around she found John sitting up in bed a concerned look on his face. "I thought you were still asleep."

"Light sleeper remember?" He slid off the bed and padded over to her side. Seeing the empty aspirin packets on the counter he frowned, she'd just downed six aspirin - even for the worst headache John usually only needed two maybe three, if he had a concussion.

"Headache." Elizabeth explained gathering up the packets, throwing them away.

"Are you sure that's all it is?" John gently cupped her face with one hand.

Understanding what John was implicating Elizabeth was about to deny it, but hesitated when she saw the raw concern and fear that swirled in John's eyes. Was that all it was, just a headache or was it something more? No. No she wasn't that far gone that she would invite the welcoming embrace of self-annihilation. No.

"I'm sure." She wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing his cheek lovingly.

Not entirely as sure about that as she seemed to sound John wrapped his arms around her waist. "You promise you'll let me know if that changes, if things get to be too much for you?"

Seeing his eyes still filled with raw concern and fear Elizabeth tightened her hold on John, "Promise."

--

"If you do not begin to pay attention to where you are going, you are going to end up in the infirmary." Teyla admonished as John once again tripped up on a tree root.

As much as he hated to admit it John had needed a break away from everything that was going on with Elizabeth. He loved her he did, but after spending pretty much every waking moment – and sleeping moment for that matter – with her lately he'd started to get restless. So at the end of that week when it had come time for the weekly supply run to the main land John had jumped at the chance to pilot the jumper. Needing to work off some access energy he'd decided to go for a run and Teyla had tagged along.

Turning over onto his back John propped himself up on his elbows. "Sorry, guess I'm a little more distracted than I thought."

"You are worried about Dr. Weir." Teyla sat down next to John.

Nodding his head John was silent for a moment before speaking, "After everything that she's been through I feel bad leaving her, even if it is just for the afternoon but…"

"You needed to get away for a little while, regain your balance."

"Yeah." He dropped down on his back running his hands over his face. "Does that make me a bad person?"

"No," she placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "You can not be expected to take care of her all the time."

"Maybe so, but somebody's gotta do it since she refuses to look after herself."

"What do you mean?" Maybe John wasn't as blinded by his affection for Elizabeth as she had begun to fear. It was obvious to anyone who cared to look that Elizabeth wasn't doing as well as she'd like everyone to believe.

"She's hardly eating and even with the dietary plan Carson's got her on she's loosing weight." Sighing he pushed himself up into a sitting position. "She won't shower without me there, not that I'm necessarily complaining about that…" He paused scrubbing a frustrated hand through his hair. "But it's not right. Not that anything about this whole thing is right," he added quickly. "I'm afraid I'm gonna lose her. She promised to tell me if things get to be too much, but…"

"You have doubts about whether she will or not."

"It's not that I doubt her or anything. I'm just scared that by the time she realizes it, it will be too late…" He trailed off, lost in his own thoughts. Elizabeth was so fragile – a word John had never thought he would use to describe her – every time he held her he was terrified that he was going to snap her in half. With every embrace he could feel her body slowly slipping away from him. "She's slowly killing herself and doesn't even realize it. And I have no idea what to do to stop it."

--

"This seat taken?"

Looking up from where she was lounging on one of the benches that had been placed on the balcony Elizabeth spotted Carson standing by the door, hands stuffed in his pockets.

"Go for it." Elizabeth shifted over pulling her knees to her chest. Carson sighed as he perched on the end of the bench. "I'm fine if that's why you're here." She continued seeing the worried look in Carson's eyes.

"No, you're not Elizabeth." The hardness of his tone surprised Elizabeth.

As much as she may have wanted to think so Elizabeth wasn't anywhere close to fine. With the amount of weight alone that she'd lost Carson should have had her confined to the infirmary hooked up to an IV - possibly even a feeding tube - long before now. But he'd been willing to give her the benefit of the doubt that she would start eating and get her weight back up; she hadn't and now he was seriously considering hauling her down to the infirmary.

"Carson –."

"No Elizabeth, you're going to listen to me. In the last two months you've lost nearly fifty pounds, pounds that you couldn't afford to lose to begin with."

"Now hold on I haven't –."

"Yes you have and the fact that you don't realize it, is pretty good evidence to me that you are _not_ fine."

Not wanting to listen to what Carson was saying Elizabeth bolted from her seat. She was starting to get sick of everyone treating her like a child; she was a grown woman capable of taking care of herself. Storming through the balcony doors she only made it a few steps down the corridor when suddenly her head began to spin. The last thing she was aware of was Rodney coming down the corridor towards her before everything went black.

Carson sighed in frustration wiping a hand across his face as Elizabeth stormed off. Every fiber of his being was screaming at him to confine her to the infirmary, even if he had to strap her down to a bed to keep her there. It was killing him to see her slowly wasting away. Deciding enough was enough he followed after her, stepping into the corridor he was just in time to see Rodney catch Elizabeth as her legs gave out on her.

Instantly Carson was at her side his fingers instinctively searching out the pulse point on her throat; it was slow but steady. Silently sighing in relief he quickly checked her over for any obvious signs of injury.

"What's wrong? Is she ok?" Rodney's eyes were wide with fear.

"She fainted and I've got a pretty good reason why." Carson gently scooped Elizabeth up in his arms and head for the infirmary. "Woman's bloody determined to drive herself into an early grave." He murmured under his breath as her ribs dug into his chest. Entering the infirmary Carson deposited Elizabeth on one of the beds and deftly hooked her up to vital monitors and an IV.

"Is she gonna be ok?" Rodney hovered closely as Carson worked.

"Honestly I don't know." Carson shrugged slightly, hating how helpless he felt. "It's up to her. There's only so much we can do for her if she doesn't want our help."

"Right." Rodney plopped down in a chair nearby. He hated seeing her like this. Her little fainting spell had just proven that no matter what he or anyone else would like to believe, Elizabeth wasn't getting better. And if he was honest that thought scared the hell out of him.

--

"What do you mean she's in the infirmary? What the hell is she doing there?" John questioned Carson over the radio, as he started towards the infirmary.

When he'd gotten back from the main land John had gone to his quarters to shower and clean up. He hadn't thought much of it when he hadn't found Elizabeth there, figuring she was in her own quarters. So after a quick shower he'd made his way there, not finding her there he'd gotten a bit worried.

She could almost always be found in either hers or his quarters, unless she had an appointment with Kate and the last John knew she didn't that day. Just to be sure he'd radioed Kate and after finding out that she hadn't seen Elizabeth, John had radioed Carson who had informed him that she was in the infirmary.

"She fainted about an hour ago. She was dangerously malnourished I had no choice but to confine her to the infirmary." Carson sighed, flipping his radio off as John came bursting into the infirmary. "She's ok for the moment. She briefly woke up about twenty minutes ago, before falling asleep."

John didn't stop to listen to the last of what Carson was saying, instead heading over to the curtained off area near the back of the room. "Damn it." He muttered at seeing Elizabeth hooked up to medical monitors again.

"Seems kind of wrong doesn't it?" Rodney was still sitting in the chair next to Elizabeth's bed. "It's suppose to be one of us in that bed with her keeping watch over us, not the other way around."

Shoving his hands in his pockets John started pacing around the small area. "When did things start to get so screwed up? I wish things would go back to normal."

"Have things ever really but normal for us around here?"

"Ok you have a point there, but still…"

"Yeah, I know what you mean."

John eased himself onto the bed and sat next to Elizabeth. He soothingly ran a hand through her hair. He smiled as she shifted into his caress and turned her head towards him, her eyes still closed and her breathing still regular.

For the next hour the two friends quietly talked about everything and nothing waiting for Elizabeth to wake up. Carson occasionally wandered over to check on Elizabeth and join in the conversation. Slowly waking up Elizabeth first became aware of the low sound of a hushed conversation, followed by a pounding in her head.

Hearing a soft moan come from Elizabeth, John stopped mid-sentence turning his attention to her. "Hey." His voice was soft and comforting. "How're you feeling?"

Instead of answering verbally Elizabeth rolled over to burrow into John's side, draping an arm over his waist. Smiling softly John comfortingly rubbed her back, while he silently motioned for Rodney to go get Carson.

"How are you feeling?" Carson questioned as approached the bed.

When Elizabeth didn't answer just snuggled in closer to John, he frowned "Hey what'd I tell you about playing nice with the other children?" John softly poked Elizabeth in the shoulder.

Carson sighed inwardly. "Elizabeth I know I'm not your favorite person at the moment, but I just want to help."

Sighing Elizabeth cracked her eyes open slightly and turned her head just enough to look at Carson. "Headache." She mumbled wincing as the infirmary lights hit her eyes.

"Aye I suspected as much." Carson pulled a syringe out of the pocket of his lab coat and administered it's contents into Elizabeth's IV. "There that should help." Nodding slightly Elizabeth rubbed at her eyes wearily before being overtaken by an enormous yawn.

"Sleep." John whispered, his fingers absently combing through her tousled hair.

"Not tired." Elizabeth shook her head repressing another yawn.

"Liar." John teased softly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. A tired smile flitted across her lips as she shifted closer to his warmth.

Rodney rolled his eyes as John whispered soothingly to Elizabeth, coaxing her into unconsciousness as she lay securely wrapped in his arms. Snagging the back of Carson's lab coat Rodney headed away from the curtained off area, leaving John to soothe Elizabeth back to sleep.


	6. Chapter 6

Dozing lightly off and on John wasn't sure how much time passed when he felt Elizabeth shift away from him slightly. Opening his eyes he found Elizabeth awake and absently picking at the tape holding the IV on her hand.

"Careful, Carson has a sixth sense when it comes to people fiddling with their IV's." He took hold of her hand to stop her picking at the tape.

Threading her fingers with John's, Elizabeth sighed. "I know Carson's just trying to help, but couldn't he find something a little less annoying?"

John planted a kiss on her temple. "I'll go find Carson, see if he's willing to let you go."

Elizabeth frowned, "Tell him if he doesn't take this damn thing out of my hand, I will."

John chuckled, "Be right back." He kissed her temple again, then got up and went to find Carson.

Looking up from his laptop Rodney spotted John emerging from the curtained off area. "She awake yet?"

"Yup and cranky as ever." John kept his voice low to keep Elizabeth from over hearing him. "Where's Carson?"

"In his office."

Nodding John wandered towards Carson's office and poked his head in the door. "You have a cranky patient that would like to leave."

"Aye, I'm not surprised." Carson stood up and headed for Elizabeth's bed, stopping briefly to speak with one of the nurses on duty.

"Can I go now?" Elizabeth, sitting up in bed, asked as soon as she saw Carson.

Yeah somebody had been spending a little too much time around a certain Colonel Carson thought. "In a little bit. I want you to eat something first." He held his hand up stopping any protest, "And I'm not letting you go anywhere until you do."

Just then the nurse he'd spoke with came over with a tray of food. Seeing the defiant glint in Elizabeth's eyes John sat down beside her, his hand coming to rest gently on her knee. He softly bumped his shoulder into hers, "Play nice." His tone was soft.

Knowing that John was right and that Carson was just being his usual mother hening self, Elizabeth reluctantly started eating the food the nurse had brought her. Once he was satisfied with the amount of food that Elizabeth had eaten Carson unhooked the IV and let her go with strict orders that she was to report to the infirmary everyday for a check up until she got her weight back up or else he would have her confined back in the infirmary with a feeding tube.

Deciding to get her out of there while she was ahead John took Elizabeth's hand and led her out of the infirmary before she had the chance to argue. Entering John's quarters Elizabeth slumped down on the bed rubbing the back of her neck. Able to see the tension in her shoulders from across the room John moved over to massage her shoulders.

"You know nobody expects you to be strong all the time." John spoke softly a few moments later.

"Strong?" Elizabeth turned to look at John. "John, I've been an emotional wreck, you should know that better than anyone."

"Have you? Have you completely broken down, let it all out?" He scrubbed a hand through his hair, getting an idea. "C'mon." He took her hand, pulling her towards the bathroom.

"John what're you doing?" She hesitated, confused by John's behavior.

"You trust me, right?" He stared straight into her eyes, his full of concern mixed with fear.

"Always." She didn't hesitate; she'd always trusted John and nothing would ever change that.

"Than trust me now." He tugged her into the bathroom, flipping the light on. Elizabeth sighed as she stepped closer to John, making sure to keep her back to the mirror.

"Look in the mirror." John's tone was gentle but firm. He didn't miss the way she kept her back to the mirror; he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her look in a mirror.

At first he hadn't thought much of it figuring that she didn't want to see all the fresh, livid bruises that had covered her body. But the bruises had started to fade by now and she still refused to look at herself in the mirror, in fact she refused to look at her body period. Whenever they showered she never made any move to wash herself leaving the task to John.

While John didn't mind being entrusted to cleanse her body for her, he did find her reluctance a bit disconcerting, but hadn't mention it, not wanting to upset the fragile balance she'd been struggling to find. But now he was starting to think maybe that hadn't been the right choice.

Elizabeth froze her eyes going wide as dread flowed through her body. "John…?"

"Look in the mirror, Elizabeth."

Underneath the concern and fear in John's eyes Elizabeth could see love and caring shinning reassuringly back at her. She looked away she didn't want his reassurances. She wanted his emotional distance, his apathy, his ignorance – anything but his love. But there it was, staring back at her, alive and strong, and screaming at her that he was not apathetic, distant, or ignorant.

"John…don't…please…" Elizabeth whispered, her voice trembling. "I…I…can't…"

John gently grasped her shoulders, kissing her forehead. "Yes you _can_ Elizabeth," he urged his voice low and soothing.

"No…" She breathed, her eyes wide with fear. She silently pleaded with him to release her, but simultaneously knew the futility of the desperate plea.

His grip remained persistently clenched on her shoulders as she tried to back away towards the door, and his voice dropped substantially, wafting heavily, entirely over the brunt of her unwillingness. "What are you afraid of?"

'_Being reminded…reminded of everything that happened.' _She couldn't bring herself to voice her thoughts. To do so would invite the emotional chaos she'd been fiercely struggling against.

"Why are you doing this?" The question was weakly stated, her speech slurred by the sudden enormity of her exhaustion, but even so, her tone was desperate, pleading with him to retract his request.

But he couldn't, _wouldn't_ do that. The reason was simple.

"Because I love you, Elizabeth. I care about you." He paused and bent towards her, his forehead coming to rest against her own. "And I refuse to sit by and watch you slowly kill yourself."

Her eyes closed as she shook her head, denying his accusation. "I'm not," she whispered. "That's not what—."

"Isn't it?"

"No." Another whisper, fragile and fading and entirely unconvincing.

"It's alright," he directed her to face the mirror, his body very close, very firm against her back. "Open your eyes."

And she was complying, but was refusing to look in the glass, refusing to see the reminder. And then John was turning her face to look at him, his eyes were very soft, very loving and he was begging her silently to do this monstrous thing for him.

And then his eyes were shifting to look at their reflection, "Look in the mirror. What do you see?" Her chin was in his hand and he was turning her head and…

She was seeing herself…

As she had been before…

Before the shame and horror…

Before the helplessness and fear…

It was over, truly over. She was home…she was safe.


	7. Chapter 7

Leaning in the doorway of her office John watched Elizabeth doing paper work. He loved watching her, watching all of the endearing little habits, her unconscious quirks that presented themselves, especially when she wasn't aware she was being watched. He could tell that whatever it was she was reading had her in deep thought by the way she softly chewed on her lower lip and her eyebrows scrunched together slightly.

Lips curving, he recalled that morning, how he had woke before her and, like now, indulged in his desire to watch her, to gaze down at her breathing body lax in sleep and utterly angelic under the gentle arc of the early morning light. The early morning light had swept across her contours and cast a warm blush across her face and neck, and over the soft rise of her shoulders.

She had gained most of her weight back over the last year, she was still thinner than John would have preferred, but she was at least no longer skin and bone. There were still times that her memories of Arcadia impeded her daily functioning and left her a mangled emotional mess, sometimes for days. Because of this, John had handed over command of AR-1 to Major Lorne and taken on a more administrative position in Atlantis. Being there for Elizabeth was John's top priority and if that meant taking a desk job then so be it.

Elizabeth trusted John to love her and to be patient as she shifted through the turmoil reaped by Jerick and his men. He did love her and he strove to be patient, riding out the ebbs and flows of her ability to receive affection, but pushing gently against her boundaries with the understanding, proven hundreds of times over, that he would not hurt her. And she knew that – not only knew it, but believed it – trusted in it, had faith in his intentions towards her and loved him unconditionally and without hesitation.

Her eyes – eyes that had the ability to speak into his very soul, to communicate more to him in a glance than she ever could with words, to melt his defenses and leave him breathless; eyes that had spent the past glorious year mesmerizing him – studied the report in front of her intently. Smirking as she shuffled through various papers John pushed off the doorframe and moved into the room, clearing his throat to announce his presence.

Glancing up Elizabeth smiled at him before returning her attention to the paper work. Coming to stand behind her John gently started massaging her shoulders. "What'cha doin'?"

"Inventory." Elizabeth sighed leaning back into John's hands. Even though she'd been cleared for full duty months ago Elizabeth was still trying to get back into the swing of things. She'd forgotten how exhausting – as well as tedious at times – the job could be.

He pressed a consolatory kiss to her temple and smiled inwardly as she leaned her head forward in a silent request that he move to massaging her neck. Obliging he rubbed her neck, "What do you say we get out of here?"

"I like that idea." Slowly Elizabeth stood up and turned to wrap an arm around John's waist. Draping his arm over her shoulders John kissed her temple again then led the way out of the office.

Instead of heading for the transporter like she'd expected John headed for the balcony. John had something he needed to do and felt that the balcony where – in his opinion at least – this whole emotional roller coaster had started for them nearly four years ago was the appropriate place to do it; bring everything full circle.

Taking hold of her left hand John reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring. Not having the words to properly express his love for her, to express everything she made him feel John didn't say anything just slid the ring onto her ring finger. Gently cupping her face he tenderly kissed her before pulling her into a loving hug.

"For when you're ready." He whispered into her ear.

Knowing that John wasn't expecting a response Elizabeth sighed with contentment as she slipped her right arm around John's waist, and rested her head and left hand against his chest. Watching the sunset she relaxed into his comforting hold, letting the love that radiated off of him engulf her like a warm blanket.

'_What did I do to deserve you?'_ Elizabeth thought silently.

John had to be the most patient, understanding, and loving man she'd ever known. She knew it couldn't have been easy for him at times with her mood swings and everything else she'd put him through over the last year. She loved him for how patient he had been with her, how patient he continued to be with her. She would never be able to repay him for the patience and love he had shown her.

God, she loved him so much.

She couldn't believe how patient he had been with her especially when it came to the physical aspects of their relationship. While they'd gradually become more and more physical with each other over the year they still hadn't made love with each other, not since Arcadia. John had shown considerable restraint in their blossoming relationship and Elizabeth knew it. She knew how much John wanted her, how much it was driving him nuts not to make love with her; she also knew that he would never push her into anything no matter how much he wanted her.

She never missed the disappointment mingled in with guilt that would flash through his eyes whenever she tensed up, telling him with her body language that things were going to far. She'd wanted so badly to take that step in their relationship, but just the thought of having sex – even if it was with John – terrified her and she didn't know why. She'd spent many sessions with Kate trying to figure it out, but still didn't have any answers. She knew John would never hurt her, but something still held her back.

Standing there on their balcony in the safety and comfort of John's arms Elizabeth stared at the ring he'd just given her; it wasn't fancy or big but it was the most beautiful thing anyone had ever given her. In that moment Elizabeth knew with out a doubt that no matter what happened, even if things never progressed beyond where they were now, if they never made love again, John would always be there by her side, that he loved her unconditionally.

With that revelation came the revelation that the thought of having sex again didn't terrify her like it once had. Making up her mind Elizabeth pulled out of John's arms, taking his hand in hers. "Let's go home."

Seeing the way she was looking at him suggestively with lust filled eyes John's eyebrows shot up questioningly, not sure if he was reading her intent right or not. Nodding her head at his silent question Elizabeth gave a shy smile, suddenly feeling a bit insecure. Smiling John kissed her tenderly, before resting his forehead against hers. Pouring every ounce of love he felt for her into his eyes John gazed into Elizabeth's eyes.

Seeing the pure love shinning in John's eyes Elizabeth smiled seductively, giving John the most breath taking and passionate kiss he'd ever had. "I love you."

John grinned he'd never heard sweeter words spoken. He returned the kiss, "And I love you."

Fingers intertwined the two left the balcony headed for the quarters they'd moved into together a month ago. Elizabeth knew that what they were about to do wouldn't be a cure-all, wouldn't make all of her demons go away, but suddenly things didn't seem so insurmountable any more, it was like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. The knowledge that John loved her unconditionally and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her no matter what happened, made Elizabeth feel like she could face anything and come out on top.


End file.
